The Crashers of Castles
by SigmaForceSpeedy
Summary: Alongside our four favourite Knights, there come the Pink, Blood, Laser Knights and the Blacksmith! Watch as the story of Castle Crashers unfolds for the millionth time, bringing our heroes hacking, slashing, killing and running their way across the world!
1. Introductions

Ok, so these are the names of the characters in this Castle Crashers Fanfic:

Red (Lightning) Knight: **Jack** (Starts with Mace)

Orange (Fire) Knight: **James** (Starts with Battle Axe)

Blue (Ice) Knight: **Joe** (Starts with Sheathed Sword)

Green (Poison) Knight: **Caleb** (Starts with Thin Sword)

Purple (Blacksmith) Knight: **Jock** (Starts with Hammer)

Pink (Love) Knight: **Meredith** (Starts with NG Lollipop)

Grey Knight: **Thomas** (Starts with Skinny Sword)

Red-Black (Blood) Knight: **Angmar** (Starts with The Maw*)

Blue-Silver (Laser) Knight: **Samuel** (Starts with Light Blade**)

Red Princess: **Candice**

Green Princess: **Jasmine**

Blue Princess: **Elsa**

Orange Princess (Clown): **Trixie**

King: **Richard**

Animal Orb Lady: **Christine**

 _*The Maw: A two-handed spiked black axe. Magic +2, Strength +4, Agility -3, Defence +6. Level required to use: 25_

 _** Light Blade: In the likeness of the Conehead's Light Saber, but the handle is black and the blade is a darker shade of blue. Magic +4, Strength +1, Agility +5, Defence +2. Level required to use: 20_

 **Author's Note: Alright, so this is my first Castle Crashers fanfic! Take note that I am breaking the canon by adding in two new knights, with the elements of Blood and Laser. Also, Pink Knight is female (I thought that it is much more appropriate). As for the two new knights, Blood Knight's splash attack is a cleave attack in a swirl of blood, healing himself and damaging enemies. Magic Projectile is a bubble of blood (similar to Poison Knight's), Magic Jump is a cloud of blood, and Armour Pierce is, well, the same as Magic Projectile.** **Laser Knight's splash is a blue laser bar that travels a short distance, damaging all enemies in its line. As you level up your magic, the bar will become larger and will travel further, as well as damage more. Magic Projectile is a blue laserbolt, Magic Jump is in a flash of blue laser light, and Armour Pierce is the same as Magic Projectile.**

 **Wow, I talked quite a bit...anyways, happy reading! :)**


	2. It's A Barbaric World

Peace reigned in the Castle of King Richard. He was an old king, yet still had the youthful fire in him, and moved with a speed that belied his age. He had assembled a perfect team of four champions years ago when they were just youths, and over the past ten years, this team of "Castle Crashers" had served the King well, going on quests and keeping peace. Halfway through the ten years, Richard's Blacksmith, Jock, and an unknown young woman, known only as Meredith and clad in pink armour, had both joined. Close to the end of the ten years, a young knight clad in silver and blue (his armour's white elements were silver-coloured, and his armour was a darker shade of blue than the Ice Knight's), joined, wielding a Light Blade. His name was Samuel. Finally, just before this story's start, a mysterious knight, a hood over his black and red helmet, joined. He only introduced himself as Angmar. He held a weapon only known as The Maw.

In the Barracks, the Civilians were merrily playing a tune, and some Grey Knights, overseen by their Lieutenant, Sir Thomas, were resting, drinking English mead, and overall enjoying themselves. Eight separate knights, all differently coloured, were doing their own things, away from the other knights. These were the famed Castle Crashers. The Red Knight, or as he was named, Jack, was sitting on a wooden chair, polishing his mace. His helmet was off, revealing a set of shockingly black pupils, and his face was long, hard and chiselled, and had only a half-inch stubble of ginger hair. He was a man who delighted in war but at the same time was reluctant to kill. The Orange Knight, James, was sharpening his battleaxe without emotion. He had lost everything, his parents, his siblings in a barbaric barbarian raid on his hometown ten long years ago. Swearing vengeance, he had enlisted with the Castle Crashers. He almost never took off his orange and white helmet, loathe to show everyone the long, ugly slash that ran from his right ear to his left temple, scarring his otherwise fair face. A terrible scar, one that reminded him of the cruelty of the barbarians. His orange hair was cut simply, short and simple. The Blue Knight, Joe, was livelier than his brethren. He was sitting at a table, carefully using a mallet and chisel to carve a stunning ice sculpture from a simple block of ice. His helmet lay beside the sculpture, and his head was nearly bald, except for patches of blue hair. The Green Knight, Caleb, knelt on the straw, hands in his lap. He was praying. His sword lay next to him, and his helmet was a convenient resting block for his hands. Despite the devastating effects of his poison attacks, Caleb was in truth a polite and mild-mannered gentleman. His crop of short green hair seemed to be flopping down, as if it was praying as well.

The Purple Knight, Jock, was fairly old, the oldest knight in the team, yet he was just as exuberant and enthusiastic as he had been in his glorious early days of cutting down foes and laying waste to barbarian lands for King Richard. Rumour had it that Jock was in fact the King's younger brother, for he was the only knight allowed to wear purple. Now, he was repairing his deadly hammer on a makeshift anvil. The Pink Knight, or as it was more appropriately called, Dame, sat thoughtfully at the third table. Meredith was unique, being the only female knight on the team, of course. Other than that, she was equally as tough and headstrong as her male counterparts. Her golden ponytail hung down her back, protruding through a special hole in her helmet. The Laser Knight, Samuel, was standing in front of the inexplicably invincible training dummy, summoning fiery blue lasers to strike it, and once in a while, slashed at it with his Light Blade. Finally, the Blood Knight, Angmar, stood in a corner, shrouded in a blood-red mist. His terrible weapon, The Maw, hung loosely at his side, shrouded in a black mist. All eight knights were tall, strong knights, and were all upright, righteous and loyal people. Richard was indeed a lucky man to have such great knights.

Richard was sitting on his throne, finger running along the edge of the ceremonial dagger that he had unsheathed. In front of his throne was a long passageway that was flanked by his most trusted knights. He was sitting calmly and thinking of a new report to send out to his knights, when suddenly, there came a long, tortured scream. From one of his knights. Alarmed, Richard raised the dagger and looked warily at the door. The other knights also raised their blades and rushed towards the door. The door cracked, then blew open and a horde of barbarians came rushing in, axes, swords and maces raised high. Screaming war cries, they effortlessly cut down Richard's knights and surrounded his throne, aiming bows at him. Behind stalked a menacing wizard, robed in green and red. Richard hurled his dagger but the short wizard raised his wand and the dagger shattered into a thousand pieces. "Ha! Ha! Ha!" the wizard gave an evil laugh and pointed his wand at the huge crystal on Richard's throne. The wizard laughed and the crystal started to get extracted. Just then, a grey knight leaped out from behind a pillar and slashed with his sword. "Agh!" the wizard yelled as his back was cut. "Grr…you meddlesome knights never give up!" He raised a hand and the knight was lifted off his feet. "Shoot him." A single barbarian arrow flew from the bow and impaled the knight through. "No! Brave, loyal knight!" Richard shouted. The wizard cackled and hurled the knight down the steps beneath Richard's throne. The wizard now turned attention to the crystal and soon plucked it like a flower from Richard's throne. He leaped onto it, turning the white crystal blood-red, and flew off. But not before he had cast a restraining spell on Richard.

The merrymaking and music in the Barracks came to an abrupt stop as the aforementioned grey knight tumbled down the steps and smacked into the training dummy before landing on the floor in a bloody heap. "In…va…ders…" he managed to gasp out, clawing desperately at the air before breathing his last. Thomas knelt at his side, saying, "Grey Knight 22, you will be remembered. Brethren! Let us avenge Knight 22 and push back the barbarians!" Thomas rose up and boomed in his drill sergeant's voice. He led the three dozen grey knights out of the barracks. The Castle Crashers looked at one another. There were sounds of fighting, slashing and yelling outside. "Well," said Jack, hefting his mace. "Let's go! To the throne room and out!" The seven other knights grabbed their weapons and followed their leader out.

Upon exiting the barracks, the team saw Richard struggling against some red lightning binding him to the throne. "Help me—oh wait, I forgot." Richard noted, and as the Castle Crashers looked on, he shut his eyes and cast a simple counterspell. The red lightning dissolved and Richard was free. "Sire, are you alright?" asked Caleb, sheathing his sword. "Yes, Caleb. Jack! Lead the team out of the castle! The barbarians went that way." "At once, sire!" Jack said before rallying the team and charging down the steps towards the first stretch.

 **Chapter 1, Level 1: Home Castle**

Three civilians rushed away from the attacking barbarians, absolutely terror-stricken. One was…well…on fire, inexplicably. "The barbaric hordes are attacking! They are upon us! Forward, brethren!" Joe shouted, waving his sword. "Why does he always talk like that?" James wondered out loud as Joe hurled himself into the dozen barbarians and was instantly struck back. "See? Always rushing into things." Said Jack before bellowing a war cry and letting loose a wave of mystic lightning. The barbarians were knocked down, and Samuel, Caleb and Meredith leaped forward. They hacked viciously at a barbarian each, and three were down. Nine to go. James shot both palms forward, releasing two mighty pillars of fire, scorching two barbarians terribly. Four quick two-handed strokes from his axe laid them low. Seven more. Jock commanded his Froglett to attack a barbarian. It did so with deadly efficiency. As the barbarian struggled to get up, Jock slashed his helmeted head in twain with his hammer. Six to go. Angmar looked up and his eyes blazed with unholy bloodfire. Raising the Maw high, he shattered the skull of an advancing barbarian, broke the jaws of a second, snapped the neck of a third and disintegrated a fourth with his splash attack, Bonestorm (a flurry of bones and blood). That left the last two for Joe, who had recovered from the blow. Gesturing wildly at the retreating two, he encased their legs in ice, ran up, and swept their heads clean off. On to the next part.

"Oh!"

"Ah!"

"Help me!"

"Mpphhhhh!"

Three wide-eyed princesses were being dragged away by some barbarians. The fourth princess was being dragged along on her face. Jack did a double-take as they went out of sight. "Hey! Those are Richard's daughters! Princesses Candice, Jasmine, Elsa and…oh wait, her name is unknown…" "Enough talk! Lok'tar ogar!" roared Angmar, charging up the stairs towards three barbarians that had just rushed in. "Think we should aid him?" Samuel asked Meredith as Angmar whirled around, smiting with The Maw, roaring as he went. "Nah, I think he's having a lovely time." She replied, leaning on her lollipop. Yelling, Angmar impaled the barbarians that came at him with bloody bones. Finally, no more came. Angmar breathed heavily as he stood in the pile of corpses, blood everywhere and gore-splattered. "Let's go, team! To the keep!" he said, bounding off.

 **Chapter 1, Level 2: Castle Keep**

Sir Thomas and three of his knights was holding their own against a horde numbering about twenty. However, it was clear that they were losing ground. All around lay slain grey knights and the odd barbarian. "Come! Let us aid him." Jock said. "Well said, Jock." The others chorused as they laid into the barbaric brutes. In a short while, the barbarians had been all mown down. A shopkeeper, who had been cowering behind his stall, popped up. "Welcome! Hey, thanks for saving my ass there. What can I delight you with?" With a flourish of his scuffed sleeve, he gestured at a shelf stuffed with small, lemon-sized bottles filled with a sparkling crimson elixir. "Healing potions. Restores anyone to full health." Then, at a rack neatly arranged with identical shining swords. "Swords. It is self-explanatory." The knights quickly bought as many healing potions as they could carry (five) and followed the waiting Sir Thomas out of the castle gates and into the next level.

 **Chapter 1, Level 3: Barbarian War**

The nine knights were immediately confronted with four-dozen barbarians, all wielding ugly swords, maces and axes. "Into the fray!" shouted Samuel, summoning three laser bars to cut six barbarians in half. The nine knights started wrecking all hell with their magic powers. There were flashes of lightning, bursts of flame, shards of ice, clouds of poison, rainbow chains, Froglett tongues, laser blasts and Bonestorms. Soon, all forty-eight barbarians lay dead. "Come! On to the next challenge!" Jock said, leading the way. They were confronted by more and more waves of barbarians, including some thieves, until they came face to face with a huge war machine with a front prow in the likeness of a ram with flames flickering in its metal skull. Out shot cannonballs from cannons implanted in its back. Barbarians hopped out every few minutes. "Who cares if we die or not?! To arms!" screamed Thomas, unleashing a hail of arrows that skewered the barbarians inside. "Now!" The nine started to hack and slash away at the machine, until finally, explosions started to rock it from inside, and it exploded in a hail of wood, body bits and metal. The knights then started off at a brisk trot, eager for more barbarians to bite the dust.

The knights came to a long wooden bridge where half a dozen barbarians wielding huge axes waited. "GRRMMBBBBLLLLL!" they yelled in an unintelligible language as they surged forward. Their axes glistened darkly with newly-drawn blood, evidently so as several grey knight corpses lay around them. Time seemed to slow down as Jock sprang forward to meet them. The youthful fire that had once burned in his veins rekindled in his muscles as yelling war cries, he whirled his hammer through the skulls of the barbarians, occasionally hitting them with Froglett tongues. The barbarians were supposed to be the best of the best, the elite guard, yet Jock's reinforced hammer tore through their heads as if they weren't there. Finally, they lay dead at Jock's feet.

After smashing down the door to what seemed like an arena filled with barbarians and the four captured princesses, a huge barbarian, five times as large as any other, crashed down and roared at them. His arms seemed too big and muscular for his shield, and he seemed to have burst his armour at the seams. "GRMMBBBBLLLLLLGGGGGRRRRAAAOOOWWWW!" he roared again. Suddenly, the iron door began to rock on its hinges. The big—no, huge—no, beefy—beefy! That was the word for it. The beefy barbarian looked behind him, and that was the last thing he ever did, for the door slammed down, crushing and killing him instantly. Then the barbarian boss lurched out of his containment cell and stared with two beady eyes at the champions.

 **Chapter 1, Level 4: Barbarian Boss**

The boss was humongous, five times bigger than the beefy barbarian, and carried a huge wooden plank studded with metal spikes on his back. A large bottle not unlike an Army canteen hung at his belt, a set of evil-looking skull and crossbones emblazoned on it. "ROOOOAAAAARRRRRR!" he bellowed, slamming his plank down. All managed to jump out of the way except poor Joe, who always seemed to be the first to be stepped on, stabbed, burned, frozen or knocked away. "Get me out of the ground!" he yelled in rage, and indeed he was, only the top of his helmet visible. "Oh, at once, honourable knight." Meredith trilled sarcastically as she pulled Joe out of the pit in the ground but not before separating a barbarian's head from his shoulders. "Be more careful, Joe." The barbarian boss now turned his back to them. "What's he doing?" wondered Samuel but instantly, his question was answered as the boss' plank spikes shot out. "Whoa!" the knights leaped out of the way, but the barbarians did not make it in time, being skewered upon the points.

Now the boss was tired, stopping for a brief rest. "Now!" said James, hurling a pyroblast that made the boss hack and cough as it smashed into his face. Jack shouted to Caleb, "Shield!" Caleb raised his shield and Jack leaped onto it, propelling himself up and shooting three lightning bolts at the boss. However, the boss was ready for the onslaught and raised a massive hairy arm gauntleted and sheathed in metal, studded with metal studs. The bolts ricocheted harmlessly off and Jack uttered, "Dammit." The boss swung his massive arm at Jack, sending him flying and out of the fight for now. "Man, what does that guy eat for breakfast?" Jock asked the open air as he dodged another slam. As if on cue, the boss unhooked his canteen and poured into his open mouth a draught of foul greenish-brownish liquid. He clutched his stomach and his eyes bulged out. With a resounding belch, fire shot from his mouth and he razed the arena's ground in a line. Angmar used his axe to hold off the flames but Samuel was not so lucky, being caught in the inferno and losing a good deal of health. As he got up, Samuel fished in his pack and gulped down half a bottle of health potion, restoring him to full health. Now all the Castle Crashers could do was to dodge whatever blows the boss sent at them and slowly, bit by bit, chip away at his health, until finally, the nine struck at once, and the nine weapons speared the boss through the heart. Simultaneously, three of the princesses were carried off, leaving only Princess Candice left. The nine knights looked at each other in incredulity as the princess made first a heart gesture, then a throat-slitting gesture. "She means that…we must fight for her kiss?" Joe asked. The Princess nodded. "Eh, I'm out." Meredith said, moving to stand beside the Princess and taking off her helmet. "Me, too." Samuel said. One by one, the knights fell out of the challenge until only Jack remained, who flipped up his visor. "Uhh…wha-?" his voice was cut short as Princess Candice pressed her lipsticked lips over his mouth. James looked on emotionlessly, Joe stared wide-eyed, Caleb looked down at his armoured boots, Jock spun his hammer in his gauntlet casually, Samuel poked at a barbarian corpse with his blade, Angmar stared at his weapon and muttered an ancient incantation and Meredith wrinkled her face in benign tolerance. The Castle Crashers looked at one another. One down, three more strangely elusive Princesses to go.


	3. Fun-Filled Forests And Freaky Fishes

"Wait, why did you not refuse her? All Princess are the same! They ask for a kiss, then they vanish, never to be seen again!" yelled Meredith. The other knights were splitting their sides in laughter as Meredith berated Jack, who was struggling to wipe the last of Candice's lipstick off his face. "Well, Meredith, why don't you go and kiss the Princess later?!" he shot back. "Hey! I'm not queer!" she said. "Well, then how do you explain the kiss marks on your helmet, then?!" Jack countered. "Oh! You—you!" Meredith fumed. Anyway, that was the argument over. "Um, guys, I think we should be focussing on that." Caleb pointed to the princesses being carried away. "Very well! Onwards!" Angmar yelled, raising his axe. "Come on then! Shaza'kiel!" he shouted, firing a blood-drenched bone spear. It impaled a barbarian. "Come on! Can't let our Blood Knight here get all the fun, can we?" Jock said, rallying the team and charging forwards.

 **Chapter 2, Level 1: Forest Entrance**

Along came a gang of thieves with some weird dinosaur/alligator-like two-legged steed. A group of barbarians followed, too. "YAAAAHHHHHH!" The thieves shouted, bearing down with their swords, bows and clubs. The barbarians followed too, waving their axes and swords. "GRRRRMMMMM!" "For honour!" shouted James. Three bursts of flame neatly roasted the thief riding the dinosaur/alligator thing, and suddenly riderless, it stood shock-still. Jack took the advantage and took a running leap onto the alligator/dinosaur. He then rode back and forth among the slashing swords and swinging maces, slicing into thieves as he went. In a short time, they had mown down all the thieves and barbarians. Caleb noticed a fallen bow still clutched in the blood-wet hand of a dead thief. "Might come in handy." He mused, picking the weapon up and slinging it to his back. Two waves of thieves now rushed in, one at a time. The team watched as Jack went into his element. Calling upon the wrath of the lightning, he rained down blazing bolts of electricity to fry the thieves. He smote around with his mace, crushing heads and shattering spines. Several thieves attempted to surround him and kill him, but he leapt up high in a burst of lightning, zapping the thieves to death. He yelled as he fought, for he delighted in war.

"Wow," was all that Meredith could say as Jack tore around, yelling and smiting. At last, he stood in a pool of blood, his mace drenched in the coppery liquid. "Fun, that!" he cheerily said, stepping out of the puddle of gore and hopping onto the dinosaur/alligator. "Come on! They went that way!" he shouted, before riding off and through a leafy glade. "Castle Crashers, follow him! Don't worry about me; I'll make it back to the castle." The wounded Sir Thomas, stabbed in the side during the skirmish with the barbarian boss, managed to say before limping off, using his sword as a crutch. Then, the seven knights followed Jack into the forest, full of excitement and trepidation at the danger and mystery that would cross their path soon. James, however, noticed a few musical notes floating from behind a bush, and went behind it, only to find a round, orbicular owl following him as soon as it saw him. "Oh, well. Come on then, Owlet." James petted the owl and they followed the team, Owlet carrying an apple from a nearby tree.

 **Chapter 2, Level 2: Thieves' Forest**

As they hacked their way through the sort of tunnel made by leaves and branches, they could hear the faint sounds of "Help me!" made by the princesses. "Press on! Our goal is very near!" said Samuel. But when the knights finally emerged out of the tunnel, there were no princesses to be seen. All that could be seen were leaves, branches, birds and a straight, wide path…and a bush with legs. "Hey! That's not normal!" said Joe, running up to the bush…

…only to get knocked back by an arrow in the shoulder. "It's a thief in disguise!" shouted James, hurling four fireballs at the walking bush and reducing the thief inside to a crispy, charred pile. "What gave you the hint? Those black, soundless shoes?" grunted Joe as he carefully extracted the arrow and slapped a bandage over the puncture. As they crossed over a grassy mound, a sudden tremendous boom echoed through the forest. BOOM! An owl perched on top of a tree branch did its…um…doings, all over an innocent bush before keeling over into that same bush. "Press forward! There are strange happenings now in this forest!" Jack said as he groped in that very bush and to his delight, found a boomerang. Useful.

Advancing on through three waves of thieves and Meredith acquiring a floating seahorse, the Castle Crashers came to a surprisingly neat campsite, teeming with thieves. However, the thieves paid the knights no heed as they rushed away from an abandoned mill, absolutely terror-stricken. A huge rectangular black fur-covered thing lurched out of the mill, dropping balls of black fur that rose up into smaller, fragile black fur-covered things holding leafy twigs as weapons. "Trolls! To arms! To arms!" yelled Jock, beating down one with a mighty hammer stroke. It disintegrated instantaneously into a pile of burning black fur with eyes. There were many smaller trolls, and the larger troll mother, but the smaller trolls were so fragile, though huge in number. Much like a Zerg rush, to be honest. Angmar slew great numbers with great strokes of The Maw, Jack and James worked together to char the onslaught of trolls, Joe caused the trolls to slip on ice where they were sliced apart, Caleb poisoned large numbers, Jock leaped and twirled among the trolls, smashing their heads in with his hammer, and Samuel and Meredith cast spell after spell to kill the trolls. At last, when the horde was finished and the troll mother had stopped to rest from all the spawning, the eight heroes charged up to her and battered away. Startled, she tried to spawn more, but her resources were exhausted, and soon her fur crumbled away to reveal a white skeleton, that crumbled into dust, too.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The same echoing footsteps. "Into the mill!" shouted Angmar, waving his weapon and charging in, as did his teammates.

 **Chapter 2, Level 3: Abandoned Mill**

The Castle Crashers tore into the mill, and they found a herd of deer pacing around the wooden floor anxiously. A hideous snuffling and snorting from outside. A massive black fur-covered clawed limb clawed at the empty air through the door and suddenly, a horrendous eye lurched through the door. "RAGGGGHHHHH!" the gargantuan troll roared. Everyone literally jumped and started to run, the knights on the deers' backs. Everyone was trying to push their mounts to the maximum, the deer taking no notice of the exertions, though. All the while the giant troll tore after them, destroying the mill as he went. Only once the unlucky Joe crashed into a log and was smashed into the air by the troll, but otherwise no one was harmed. On and on the giant troll chased them through the mill, until finally the Castle Crashers and their deer mounts rode off the end of the mill into the chasm, and the giant troll made a sort of "GRRNOOOOOGHH!" sound as it narrowly missed sweeping Jock off his deer.

 **Chapter 2, Level 4: Rapids Ride**

"Splash! Splosh!" the Castle Crashers crashed into the river. On the riverbank, they noticed, were two pairs of thieves, each pair carrying Princesses Jasmine and Elsa. "Watch out for the bats!" yelled Caleb, swinging his sword wildly at the black furballs with wings and teeth. "Bats? What bats?" Joe asked, still dazed from smacking headfirst into the water. As if on cue, a bat latched onto the back of his helmet and tried to bite through it. "HEY! Get off!" he yelled, freezing the bat and tossing it away. Instantly more came. "Castle Crashers! Get onto anything that floats! It will be easier to fend off the foul creatures!" Jack shouted, electrocuting a bat. "Copy that!" Samuel said, hauling himself onto a wooden plank and slicing four bats in half. Soon, the eight knights had all found some form of flotation device and were madly slicing up bats. However, the bats stopped coming, and a new threat came: a huge olive-green fish/frog thing with a spiked collar that swam near and then dived at a knight.

"Watch out!" Jock said, striking it on the head, then hurling a knife from his belt into its throat. Sort of crying, it sank down, dying. Waves of these frog-fish hybrids came at them, and suddenly, they were surrounded. An ancient wrath came over Angmar. "Katra zil shukil!" He yelled, and slammed The Maw, crackling with blood magic, into the water. A red shockwave tore through the clear water, killing the fish-frogs upon contact. The water was now clear again. Finally, one last fish-frog came up, simmering with rage. However, it had no chance to attack, for a huge cannonball screamed through the air and crushed its throat from within, killing it.

 **Chapter 2, Level 5: Catfish**

A small but heavily armed, armoured and well-furbished warship sailed up. It was packed with ranks of grey knights, and at the head of the boat, King Richard and Sir Thomas! "Castle Crashers! I have come to aid you! Look out!" Everyone watched as a massive amphibious cat lurched out of the water, meowing in anger. On its head sat an anthromorphic white bear sizzling with rage, with a red pawprint on its forehead. "Now, I don't know who the hell you guys are, but you will never get to the wizard and the princess captives! Get 'em, boy!" he yelled, clacking the reins. The cat-fish meowed and coughed up three disgusting hairballs, mixed with…mud…organic waste…fish…and spit? The three pellets floated towards the ship. "Knights! Destroy the hairballs! Buy time for my cannoneers!" Richard yelled, seizing a bow and firing an arrow into one ball. Good. It sank beneath the waves. Caleb hacked one to shreds and Meredith used her rainbow chains to disintegrate the last.

"Curses!" yelled the bear. He urged the cat-fish into the water and made it slice through the water, knocking down any knight it hit. "Careful!" muttered Joe as he was sent sprawling from his perch and into the water. "Why is it always me?" he shouted, jumping out of the water and firing ice shards into the cat-fish. That only angered it, and again, Joe splashed into the water, courtesy of a massive blow from the cat-fish's brawny fist. "That's it! This is the last straw!" screamed Joe, unleashing a snowstorm of ice that sealed the cat-fish in place. "Now, Sire!" he yelled. "Fire one!" Thomas boomed. A cannonball zipped through the air and smashed into the creature's head, causing it to see stars. "Castle Crashers! Now!" said Jack, and fired five balls of lightning, searing the fur off the cat-fish's chest. They managed to reduce it to half-health before it recovered from the blow and knocked every single one of the knights off their perches.

The cat-fish hocked up another 3 hairballs, and this time, they were not so lucky. The balls smashed into the warship, causing the cannonballs to drop into the water. "Ah-ha! See? I told you to retreat!" yelled the bear as he let go of the reins momentarily and fired a fish from his bow. It slapped Joe in the helmet, who temporarily winded, dropped into the water. "That's one down! Seven, heh, to go!" the bear crowed, firing another fish that zipped past James' ear. James looked up, incensed. He hurled six fireballs at the bear, who dodged all. "Ha!" the bear said, but before he could command the cat-fish to capsize the warship, Joe leaped out of the water behind him on an ice fist. "Wha-?" was all the bear could utter before Joe froze his blood and sliced off his head. "Now!" Richard shouted, and the freshly-loaded cannonball flew through the air and dropped itself into the throat of the now riderless cat-fish. With a strangled meow, the cat-fish sank beneath the waves and all that was left was the bloodied fur of the bear pilot. "We did it!" Caleb smiled as he swiped an apple from the river and munched on it, regaining some health. The knights had a brief celebratory cheer, then hastened to follow the warship, and onto a new chapter.


	4. A Beary Bad Day

The warship sailed calmly on through the river, shooting any stray fish-frogs. Now, the trees and foliage were starting to thin out, and be replaced by pale green tall grass. Soon, the warship came to an open bank and grey knights leaped out, carrying folded tents. They started to put them up among the tall grass and repair their weapons. One knight was using his wrench to repair a catapult and another was hammering a tent peg into the ground. It seemed all too peaceful.

 **Chapter 3, Level 1: Tall Grass Field**

Yes, indeed, as a green fish sailed through the air and impaled a grey knight through the arm. "ARGH!" he yelled, and despite his shattered arm, he managed to draw his bow and fire a flaming arrow in the general direction of the missile. To everyone's surprise, a cry was heard and the mists cleared to reveal a white fur-covered bear, not unlike the one that had been riding the cat-fish earlier on. The grey knight's arrow had pierced his thigh, cutting the main artery. Running up, Angmar grabbed the bear and incapacitated it with a bone spear. With an almost sadistic smile, Angmar slowly and methodically sliced into the bear's flesh with his axe, enjoying its last mortal screams of torment. As the very life essence of the bear flowed into the axe, Angmar's seemed to glow redder and blacker. He did not stop until bone remained. "Anach kyree," he spat, dropping the skeletal remains to the ground. The Maw now radiated with an ever-redder mist. "Netrezaar has consumed, but his hunger worsens." Angmar deadpanned. "What?" Jock asked. "Never mind, let's move on." Angmar said. The eight knights advanced onwards through the tall grass field until they came to two roundish mud huts, with four bears lying outside of each hut. Suddenly, they flipped over, stood up and attacked, carrying wooden maces and fishes. The Castle Crashers found these new foes to be quite a challenge.

One of the bears clipped Joe around the head with a fish. "That's for Sigurdsson and his pet cat-fish!" He yelled. Joe whacked him on the head and However, the bears were not so much of a challenge as having to listen to Joe singing his war songs extremely terribly. Even the bears clapped their paws over their ears to block out the sound. That gave the knights a chance to press the attack. Three bears fell under the attacks but the five others sprang away, shooting from their bows long green fish. The team put out their shields and blocked the shots, then Caleb, Meredith and Jack ran in and under fire, killed three of the bears. Samuel sliced the second last in half with a laser beam and Jock dispatched the last with a hammer blow to the throat. "Right! Where to next?" Meredith asked, over-cheery. "Your enthusiasm and constant cheerfulness is starting to get on my nerves." James growled. "Can't help it, James! It's my element!" Meredith said happily. "Irritating annoyance." James grumbled as he pulled his axe out of the last bear corpse.

Another wave of twelve bears came on, and this time they were harder, using their element of wind or electricity. They hurled balls of electricity. But none could stop Angmar, who whirling around with The Maw, cut them down as if they were straw dummies. The team watched, casually leaning on their weapons as blood came splashing around, followed by the squelching of metal axeblade on flesh. "Shaza'kiel!" Angmar roared, smiting and slashing. In thirty seconds flat, he was done. He stood tall in a pool of gore and bits of white fur. "Bash'a no falor talah!" he said, letting the blood run off his axe. "Come on!" he said, marching off. A short while later, they came to a single bear boss with a flag on his back and an orbicular ram floating beside him. "Hmm…Owlet looks like him." James thought before attempting to sandwich the boss between two walls of flame. The boss, however, deflected the fire and tornadoed out, literally, in a white wind twister.

The bear boss now summoned to himself his bear minions. Yelling and swearing vengeance for the one called Sigurdsson, they bore down upon the Castle Crashers, who fought as best as they could. They all dealt mighty strokes, cleaving bears in half or splitting skulls and heads until the pale grass was soaked with red. The bear boss hung back, although he occasionally sprang in to fire a few electricity balls. Jack was hit once and tumbled off the cliff, and the bear boss grabbed one of his minions. "Gudjonsson, finish him!" The bear sprang down with a mace in hand. Now, the bear boss decided to finish off the rest of the knights. His eyes glowed white and he tornadoed out in a huge white twister.

He sent James and Caleb sprawling, and out swept his mace, sending Samuel flying. He hurled three electricity balls, incapacitating Jock, and slammed two fists into Joe's back. Next, he kicked Meredith in the midriff, sending her sprawling, and finally engulfed Angmar in a electricity surge, taking him out for the time being. The boss stood solitary and upon seeing that no knight remained standing, laughed an evil laugh. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Now, none will get to the Master!" However, there was a crackle of lightning, and the now-recovered Jack strode slowly up from the cliff's edge, dripping water and the head of the bear called Gudjonsson in his left hand. Rage and lighting burned in his eyes. In his free hand he gripped his newly-acquired Sheathed Sword. The bear boss was slightly taken aback by this red knight's durability and belligerence, but he threw down his flag, cast aside his mace, and roared tremendously at Jack. The bear boss then attacked with two iron-clad fists.

Under his helmet, Jack smiled. Did anyone not know of his status as best fistfighter in all of Richard's lands? He noticed his seven comrades inaudibly groaning and twitching. He had to buy them time. He threw aside his pack and weapon, and charged forwards, shouting, "A fair fight, this is, then!" They met in a flurry of fists, each landing hits at the same time. Jack punched the bear boss as hard as he could in the stomach but instantly received a clip to the base of his helmet by the bear boss' gauntlet. The two laid into each other, yelling war cries and smiting with their fists and feet. Jack noticed the bear boss charging up a ball of lightning and did so as well. The two balls met each other in a flash of lightning. The resulting explosion cast both bleeding and senseless upon the grass. Finally, Samuel, who had recovered, tackled the recovering bear boss to the ground, held him down with his laser traps, and stabbed him through the heart with his Laser Blade.

The bear boss sank to the grass, sighing as his lifeblood drained out. At last, all was still. Exhausted, Samuel sat down upon the grass with his injured teammates, and that was exactly how Richard found them, sprawled upon the grass, bloody but victorious. It was noticed that the bear boss' ram orb had stuck to Samuel, just like how Owlet had stuck to James and Seahorse to Meredith.

They had decided to pitch camp at the riverbank for the night. Everyone needed time to rest and set broken bones, heal torn flesh, and soothe wounded minds. Absolutely winded, the eight knights sank down upon the soft grass and drank a rationed portion of their health potions. Apparently, it wasn't as effective as what the shopkeeper had said, but it was more than enough to kick-start the healing process and make the knights feel much better. The tents put up, watchfires blazing and sentries posted, the knights drifted off into a troubled sleep, filled with anxieties and the worries of what would come when the sun rose the next morning.

At dawn, the knights rose and quickly got equipped, then after a hasty breakfast of bread and cheese, marched briskly forwards. The corpse of the bear boss was now covered up with an earthen mound, the following words inscribed on a wooden tombstone: "Here lies the brave bear chieftain Nicholasson. May his strength and wisdom be remembered forever." James set the mound on fire without a word. Advancing forward, the Castle Crashers came across two pairs of beefy bears, six regular bears and two bear shamans. "YAAAHHH!" they roared as they got out from their huts and bore down upon the knights. However, the knights were ready for them this time. Only once was Joe grabbed and nearly pulled apart by one pair of beefy bears, but otherwise everyone was relatively unscathed. Stepping through the blood and gore, the knights pushed on until they came to a large stone patch where many arrows were flying. "Shields!" shouted Samuel as he raised his metal, laser-infused shield over his head. Two bears were pumping arrows out of large machine. "Death to bears!" yelled James as he threw a pyroblast out from under his shield and incinerated the bears and their war machine. "Aw, dang it. Javiersson, I told you that this contraption would never work." The first bear groaned as he lay fatally burned. "Shut up, Lionelsson. It was your idea—hurkh!" The second bear tried to counter, but then died. The knights now came to a large boulder covering a cave. Eight times they attempted to strike down the rock, but it refused to budge. Even their combined efforts could not lift it. "Never mind." Angmar growled as he glared at the boulder and motioned for the rest to carry on. The cave would keep its secret.

It appeared that the thieves carrying the princesses had stopped for the night. A hastily-abandoned campsite lay at the top of the cliff. Now as the knights watched, the horde of thieves handed over the two princesses to two creatures. One was completely swathed in a brown robe, save for his single huge eye. The other had two sinister red eyes peering out from his hood. The three spires of his Ice Crown jutted out from his hood. The Ice King took the Princess named Elsa, the Cyclops took Princess Jasmine. Then, the Ice King teleported away, and the Cyclops hurried into the cave. The mob now turned their attention to the knights. They regretted so, for in ten seconds flat, they all lay mortally wounded or dead.

The knights pressed on into the cave, where a flight of bats, similar to the ones encountered on the river, flew out, squeaking and squealing.

 **Chapter 3, Level 2: Pipistrello's Cave**

The sound of blood and slime dripping echoed throughout the dank but vast cavern. "Um, does anyone hear something sticky?" Jock asked as he looked around the extremely dimly-lit cavern. "No—" Caleb started, but then ducked as a living blob of slime flew over his head. "Castle Crashers! We are under attack! Defend yourselves!" Jack boomed as he fried one slime to a crispy mess. Presently Jack set fire to a stray bone and threw it at another pile of bones, wet with blood and oil. The cavern was instantly lit up, and the knights saw that while they had journeyed in the dark, a whole mob of slimes had crept up upon them. The eight knights stood back to back in a rough circle, slicing, dicing and slashing at the slime blobs that came their way. The slimes were not tough to slice in half, but neither were they easy. Many a time one of the knights was grabbed by a slime and nearly had his or her head dissolved, but otherwise the Castle Crashers did pretty well. Advancing forwards through two waves of slimes, they at last came to the exit, and that was blocked by tonnes of rock as a huge bat with ridiculously small wings hovered out. It snarled as it dropped huge lumps of noxious organic waste. "Seriously? First, we have small bats, now a large one." Meredith sighed as she opened her hand, loosing a rainbow chain that restrained the bat in place. But what the cheery pink knight didn't expect was a large crimson band of acidic flesh lolling out of the bat's fang-filled mouth and sending her sprawling. "Oof!" she grunted as she picked herself off the rocky floor. "Seriously, Meredith. You're becoming just like Joe!" James chided as he hurled a few fireballs to scorch the bat. However, it dodged and dropped one lump of waste square on James' helmet. "AAAGGHH! GET IT OFF! GET IF OFF!" he yelled, frantically sweeping the poisonous gunk off his helmet.

Now, Angmar motioned for the rest to stand aside, and raised The Maw. Casting an ancient soul spell, he reached deep into the bat's soul and using the power of his ancient weapon, commanded it to detach from its shell. "Nooo! I…must…resist!" The soul cried as it tried to defy the power of The Maw. However, none could resist and soon, the light faded from the bat's red eyes and as the soul was absorbed into The Maw, the huge bat started to shrink and whizz around the cavern until it turned into an identical copy of the small bat and perched itself on Angmar's shoulder. "Castle Crashers! I hope you are all okay!" King Richard and Sir Thomas rushed into the cave with a platoon of grey knights. "We are fine, Sire!" Jack called back and let the grey knights pass with bombs in hand. A short minute later, the bombs detonated, blowing apart the rocky barrier and letting the fresh natural sunlight flood into the cavern. "Come!" Samuel said as he led the way. "I heard that Princess Jasmine was taken this way!" The knights and their king hurried on to the next area.


	5. Wedding Crashers and Cyclops Killers

The evil wizard reached his evil castle and sat down upon his evil throne. Gesturing simply with his hand, he motioned the crystal into a special slot on his throne. "Ha…ha…ha!" he crowed as he tapped his throne arm three times. A flash of dark light, and a menacing figure armoured in black skeletal armour appeared. His black skull-like helmet had two evil black-armoured horns protruding from its sides, and from two slots on his back armour, two large demonic wings, all encased in dark enchanted steel. Two glowing red eyes peered darkly from under his helmet's eyeholes. "You called for me, Master?" he growled in a surprisingly smooth and cultured voice, as what we might expect a snake to sound like, if it could talk. "Yes, High Necromancer Zul'Rakeesh." The wizard replied. "The time has come. Soon, the knights called the Castle Crashers will pass through the Lost Village in the Lava World after they defeat our faithful servant, Cyclops and his son, Cyclops Jr. You will go there and summon the Bone Legion." "At once, Master. I will be on speed-dial." The Necromancer called Zul'Rakeesh disappeared in black light.

 **Chapter 4, Level 1: Flowery Field**

Meanwhile, the aforementioned Castle Crashers were hacking and slashing their way through the man-sized bees and their Killer Beekeepers that guarded the flowery fields outside the huge bat's cave. "Off the grass, I say, sir! Can't you see that you are ruining our begonias?!" One beekeeper shouted, clubbing one grey knight to death. He was instantly shot down by Caleb's poison ball. "Blimey! These knights…are…strong!" the beekeeper moaned before expiring. On the knights fought through the second round of beekeepers until they came to a cliff. "Fire one!" Richard boomed, and the catapults fired their missiles. The stones did nothing but dent the metal castle walls. "Knights! Follow me!" Jock shouted and leaped into one catapult. The rest of the knights piled on top of the veteran knight and the straining catapult heaved the twenty-ish knights over the castle walls and onto the battlements. "Good job! We will be back, Sire!" Sir Thomas saluted Richard, who was on top of the cliff, before he joined the knights in running along the battlements. They came to a gateway that was guarded by about a dozen grey-armoured knights that had cone-shaped helmets and carried laser swords. "Cheap rip-offs of my weapon!" Samuel grumbled, splitting one Conehead in half before turning and firing five lasers into another.

It was a complete massacre, and soon, the thirteen Coneheads lay dead and mangled. "Come on! I think I see a stained-glass panel in the distance. There must be a church there." Jack said, advancing on. Another wave of sixteen Coneheads and three beefy ones came on, but Jack zapped them to death. Nothing could stop the rampaging red knight as he zapped and blasted his way through the Conehead guards. At last, the stained-glass panel came into view. "Wait!" Joe cried, seeing that the panel had the image of the Cross on it. He made the Sign of the Cross and murmured a quick prayer, then instead of shattering the panel, carefully cut around it and detached the panel, before setting it gently on the battlement floors and leaping through.

 **Chapter 4, Level 2: Wedding Crash**

Princess Jasmine, now dressed in a white wedding dress and a white tiara, was not at all pleased with her stupid arranged marriage to one of the evil wizard's minions. "Well, son, I'm so proud of you today!" the Cyclops said to the Conehead Groom, slapping him on the back. The Cyclops was called Terry and his son was Terrance. The unusual thing about this adolescent Cyclops was that he had two eyes, a deformity and a rarity at the same time. "Hey, thanks, dad." Young Master Terrance said, gazing at the wedding cake, contemplating its design. Suddenly, there was the crash of a second glass panel shattering and a platoon of grey knights landed on the floor, dying instantly. Only one grey knight, supposedly the leader, struggled up and rushed at Terrance, but the Conehead caught him by the throat and raised his laser sword, crackling with deadly energy. Princess Jasmine recognised this particular knight as Sir Thomas, the knight who had rescued her and her three sisters a few years back from a horde of barbarians. "No! Please, sir! Spare his life and I will willingly be your wife!" she pleaded. Terrance looked at her incredulously, gripping the choking, gasping knight. "You mean that you would give up your chastity and innocence, all so that you could save this worthless stranger knight?" he asked. Jasmine swallowed hard. "I would, my lord." Terrance smirked. "How touching. However, I would rather that he would die and you still be my wife." "What? No, I didn't mean tha—" Jasmine started, but Terrance raised his blade and drove it through Sir Thomas' chest. "No! Sir Thomas!" Jasmine screamed. Terrance laughed ruthlessly and threw the dead knight to the floor.

The Castle Crashers cried out with vengeance as they leaped down. The Conehead had killed their mentor. Now, they would take him down. They landed on the cake and sprang out. "Forwards! Kill the groom!" Jock yelled. Terrance laughed and pulled Jasmine away, running to the far end of the chapel, followed by his father. "Guards! Get them!" The Castle Crashers found themselves faced with two dozen Coneheads. "Three to a knight! Come on!" Samuel yelled, casting Laser Trap to eviscerate one Conehead and firing three lasers to cut another's arms and head off. He sliced off the last one's head. Jack caught two in a blast of lightning and decapitated another. James engulfed three in a wave of fire. Joe froze the blood in one's veins and cut two in half. Caleb sandwiched his allotted three in a cloud of poison. When the poison cloud cleared, all that remained were bones. Meredith locked her three Coneheads in a rainbow chain, forcing them to dance badly. While they were distracted, she killed them. Jock and Angmar butchered the last six.

Meanwhile, Terrance watched the fight, fine-tuning his cannon organ. If there was anyone who could fight through his elite guards, he would give them a salvo with his cannons. Behind his helmet, his eyes widened as the eight knights easily cut down his elite guards, even the Conehead General that dashed out to meet them in a flurry of blows. "That's. It." He growled, snapping on his visor and drawing his blade. "Come, you coward knights!" he boomed and attacked. He was one of the hardest bosses that the Castle Crashers had faced. Even harder than the bear chieftain Nicholasson. With one strike he had Caleb out on the floor groaning. Two sweeps of his sword sent Jack against a marble pillar. A well-timed bomb hurl had both Joe and Meredith flying back across half the chapel. A quick rest at his cannon organ had Angmar on the floor, grunting. Jock was impaled against a wall. Samuel was hurled back by a whirlwind attack. Finally, James was sent sprawling onto the floor by Terrance's blade. "Ha! Some elite knights you are!" Terrance crowed. "Ah, my dear knight. I recognise you. Princess Jasmine's lover. Well, too bad for you. She's mine now. Ha!" He took a spear from a rack and faced Caleb. "You'll never win!" he said through gritted teeth. "Exactly." Terrance sighed and drove the spear through Caleb's chest. However, Terrance was then driven back by a flurry of laser strikes. Samuel was driving him backwards, blue laser energy burning in his eyes. "You do that to my friends. I do it to you!" he clouted Terrance with a fist strike to the head and stabbed the Conehead through the abdomen. As Terrance tried to recover, Samuel ran to each of his fallen allies and revived them with their own health potions. Fully reinvigorated, the eight knights rushed at Terrance.

Terrance tried his best to defend himself, but at last, he slipped and as the laser sword fell from his hand, Caleb raised his sword and stabbed him through the chest. He tore off the visor of Terrance's helmet and as the Conehead knelt there dying, ignited a flaming ball of poison and hurled it into Terrance's open, bleeding mouth. Then, Caleb slammed the visor back onto the helmet and James welded it back on with a blast of heat. The eight knights watched with horrified fascination as the full extent of Caleb's element made itself known. Sickly green energy raced along Terrance's veins, making him seem like his blood had turned to green fire. Green mist explosions burst forth from the joins in his armour. The unfortunate Conehead screamed as his body overloaded with poison energy. Even Caleb could not stop himself from turning away in horror. All except Angmar turned away, who siphoned Terrance's soul into The Maw. "You know, I once met a brave warrior king who died in this way too." The Conehead's corpse, smoking green mist, collapsed to the ground. "Except that he disintegrated when he died." The thoughtful knights were interrupted by a splashing and gurgling of water from a wooden door with a crescent engraving on it. The door slammed open, and the Conehead's father, Terry, ran out. He knelt at his son's corpse and wept. "No, my dear boy! You…you will be avenged!" Then, holding Terrance's corpse in one hand, Terry grabbed Jasmine and ran to a stairwell. "Wow." Meredith said as she looked at a horse carriage being prepared downstairs. "I suddenly feel terrible."

 **Chapter 4, Level 3: Parade**

The horse carriage raced out of the carriage-parking lot downstairs. In its front seat sat Terry, still holding Terrance's corpse, while Jasmine was held hostage in the sealed passenger cockpit. Terry was on the warpath. Following the death of his son, he had sworn vengeance and was ready to kill anyone who would stop him from giving his only son a fitting burial in the lava pool. Cyclops were born from lava, and when they died, their hearse would be slid back into the lava, the place where they were born. In Terrance's case, Terry would slide his coffin into the lava pit where his son had emerged following the special union ceremony. Terry had cut off a small piece of his own flesh, as did his wife, and the two pieces had been cast into the lava pit. Three months later, his baby son had emerged. Then Terry's wife was brutally slaughtered by King Richard's grey knights.

The cannon organ pushed its cannons through the stained-glass window and shot the eight knights into the air. They landed right on top of the carriage. Terry noticed them and made a sweeping gesture with his arm. Instantly, eight Coneheads rode up next to the carriage and jumped up, sweeping and slicing with their blades. However, the Castle Crashers had adapted to these knights and threw them off the carriage to their deaths with ease. Two more squads followed but all met the same end. Then the wedding carriage moved into the forest and thieves started to swing by and land on the carriage, hoping to tear off some of the gold-plated platinum railing of the top deck of the carriage. They failed and were thrown off too. Suddenly, the thunderous footsteps from the giant troll came again and this time, he wanted to kill. Burning red lasers shot from his eyes and Joe only just avoided getting knocked off. A sudden wrath overtook Caleb and he vaulted onto the Giant Troll's head. His sword blazed with noxious poison and screaming vengeance, he slammed the blade to the handle deep into the troll's head. He didn't stop stabbing the troll in the head until it died with a strange "MRRRRLLLLAAAAAEEEEEOOOOOWW!". The carriage rode on and on until the eight knights were knocked off as it entered a cave. Caleb, still on the warpath, charged into the cave ahead of the others. "JASMINE!" he roared.

 **Chapter 4, Level 4: Cyclops Cave**

The seven knights advanced into the cave to find the rocky floor littered with the dead bodies of Coneheads. Blood and foul green liquid was spattered everywhere. "Wow, Caleb really went on a rampage." Jock noted as he prodded one Conehead's corpse with his hammer. The knights looked at the hastily-abandoned wedding carriage. A few minutes ago, there would have been a gang of thieves poking around the interior, but now they were all slaughtered. A trail of bloody footprints reeking of poison led to a large gate. It was open, the doors wrenched open and thrown down. The knights ran through the tunnel and onto a bank of lava…

 **Chapter 4, Level 5: Cyclops Gate**

The seven knights were repulsed by the burning sulphur in the air. Hastily, they soaked large handkerchiefs with water and tied them around their noses and mouths. Their eyes would have to endure it, though. Samuel, however, put a pair of sunglasses over his eyes and when everyone had their helmets back on, they charged forwards to what seemed like the gate. A set of sturdy rock spikes that would have once looked like a set of sharp, bared teeth. Now, nothing but rock fragments and chunks remained, and splashes of green poison were already corroding the rocks around.

 **Chapter 4, Level 5: Cyclops Fortress**

Caleb stomped through the fortress like one possessed, and any Conehead that tried to stop him was stabbed or slashed and thrown aside. However, he found more difficulty facing an Elite Conehead and two Fire Demons. The two Fire Demons flew through the air and tackled him to the ground. Caleb's sword was knocked from his hand, and the Fire Demons grabbed his wrists to stop him from using his poison magic. Conehead placed a foot on his chest, laser sword raised, ready to dispatch the knight to another world. However, that moment never came, for a fireball whizzed through the air and knocked him off Caleb. The Elite Conehead looked up. Seven knights stood there. "You mess with our friend, and we mess with you." The fire knight growled menacingly and used all his mana to unleash a tidal wave of flame.

The Conehead dodged, but the Fire Demons just stood casually as the fire harmlessly washed over them. Snarling, the Fire Demons attacked the one they deemed most dangerous: the knight with the whispering axe. You see, all Demons, regardless of species, have a connection to The Maw, because it was Demons that forged it long ago. The knight swung his axe, knocking one Fire Demon to his comrades, and swung it again at the second. The Fire Demon parried the blow. Then, dodging a blow from the Fire Demon's mace, feinting and sidestepping, the knight impaled him with a sharp bone, hoisted him up into the air and pressed the metal skull engraved on the axe head against the Demon's forehead. The Demon snarled in agony as it began to shrivel up and body turn lighter. When Angmar was done draining the body, he turned to see his comrades battering the other Fire Demon to death. The Elite Conehead roared and attacked in a whirlwind of strikes. He knocked Angmar to the ground and kicked away his axe, then stabbed his blade downwards. Angmar rolled to the side and slammed a sharp bone into the Elite Conehead's ankle. The knight howled and dropped his blade. In an instant, Angmar had scooped up both his and the Elite Conehead's weapons. He crushed the laser sword and in one mighty stroke, sent the Elite Conehead's helmeted head soaring from his shoulders.

The knights looked around to see that Caleb had gone on. His angry war cries could be heard faintly echoing. "Come on. We better get to his aid." Jack said and led the Castle Crashers, minus Caleb, further into the Cyclops' fortress.

Terry sat on his throne. Nothing could console him on the death of his son. He looked at the rosewood coffin with pure gold trimming. He wanted to give Terrance a rich send-off. Beside the hearse was a coffin-sized pit that beneath burbled and sputtered a lava pit. Meanwhile, Jasmine was locked up in a ceremonial cage. Terry intended to put her in the pit as well to be a wife in the afterlife for Terrance. Suddenly, Caleb burst into the throne room. "Jasmine!" he gasped. "Caleb!" Jasmine gasped in return. "Oh, my dear one! To see you alive and well brings so much joy to my heart!" Caleb said, and moved to the cage, but was knocked backwards by Terry's two-handed blow. "Leave off, for soon, she will go into the lava with my son!" Terry drew two huge knives and attacked Caleb. The two blades met each other in an explosion of fire and poison. Terry grabbed Caleb and threw him against Terrance's hearse, then stomped in with knives drawn. Temporarily but not permanently winded, Caleb barrel-rolled out of the way and fired three poison globes that caught the Cyclops in the eye. Terry roared in pain and scrubbed at his eye. When he looked up, it was but badly reddened. Terry now attacked anew and grabbed Caleb by the throat. He held him over the lava pit, a triumphant grin on his face. Caleb grinned, surprisingly. He hurled his sword and it stabbed Terry right in the groin.

Terry's single eye bulged out in pain and his grip on Caleb's throat loosened. In an instant, Caleb had leaped onto his shoulders, slammed three poison globes into his chest and stabbed him in the back. Caleb now was thrown off by the thrashing Cyclops who, despite his great pain, managed to hurl a fan of knives. Caleb dodged with ease and just as the seven other knights rushed into the throne room, pushed another poison globe into Terry's mouth and shoved him into the lava pit. Overloaded with poison and burning terribly, the Cyclops tried to swim out and grab Caleb, but Caleb kicked him back. He sank beneath the scorching waves, giving a thumbs-up as he went.


	6. What A Lava-ly Day It Was

Through the red crystal, the evil wizard saw the Castle Crashers defeat the Cyclops and his son. "Hmm…they are even more powerful than I thought them to be…" he mused. Then he saw them advance out of the castle. "They are heading to the Lava World!" he thought. "Zul'Rakeesh!" he called. The Necromancer appeared. "Yes, I will go now, Master." The Necromancer bowed and flew off.

 **Chapter 5: Lava World**

The Castle Crashers marched briskly out of the Cyclops' Fortress and met back at the ruined wedding chapel with King Richard. King Richard had promised to take Princess Jasmine back to the Castle and blessed the knights with a "God speed you on your way, valiant knights!" Caleb and Jasmine wrapped each other in a tender embrace, and Jasmine departed with this to say: "Now, my dear Caleb, come home safe and sound, and we can work on our future life." Also, Richard had informed the knights that the Evil Wizard has stolen three precious artefacts from the royal ship. A golden compass, wheel and telescope. The compass had been recovered and kept safe in the Weapons Frog, the wheel high up on a mountain in the Lava World, and the telescope in the Industrial Prince's castle. He was the one who had taken the Orange Princess.

Thus, the knights had marched on to a burning bank of black rock next to a sea of lava. Here and there geysers spewed forth the searing orange liquid. Everyone was pouring sweat and gasping for breath in the stifling sulphur-filled air, but James just walked along happily and in full comfort. His element, definitely. Suddenly, out of the lava burst forth a horde of Fire Demons. As the lava poured off them, their wings beat furiously and they landed on the rock. They raised their maces and tridents and attacked.

These Demons were nightmarish. Their scarlet hides rippling with muscles glowed with unearthly fire magic. Their heads had sharp horns and yellow eyes. Most prominent of all were the creatures' mouths, stretched wide and gaping open, revealing a set of amber fangs. They snarled as they opened their maws and spat fireballs. James raised his sword and batted the fireball away. Then, he was tackled by one Fire Demon and was knocked to the ground. A quick slash or two later, the Fire Demon's head rolled away. James looked up to see that the rest of the Fire Demons now lay dead. Angmar was happy. More souls to sate Netrezaar's hunger. Advancing on, the Castle Crashers forced their way through two more waves of about two dozen Fire Demons each. Finally, they came to a huge metal door with a likeness of a slice of bread engraved upon it. As the knights tried to no avail to break the door down, a wave of Fire Demons closed in. This time, these Fire Demons leaped into the air in bursts of flame, searing all who they jumped over. The Castle Crashers puzzled over how to defeat them, until Joe conjured three massive icicles and hurled them at the nearest three Fire Demons. Flame met ice which produced a massive burst of steam. Reeling and blinded by the searing mist, the Fire Demons staggered around and found themselves ran through by the weapons of the knights. The rest of the Fire Demons were dispatched in the same way. Just then, Jack noticed a freshly-toasted sandwich lying on the exact spot that the last Fire Demon had fallen. Curious, he picked it up and sniffed it. Bread, cheese, tomato sauce…harmless enough. Took a bite.

"! #$% #!# #!# #!" Jack boomed incomprehensibly as he transformed into a ridiculously beefy version of himself. Shrugging at his fellow knights, he seized the metal door and ripped it from its hinges. As soon as the door was off though, he reverted back to his original form. Meredith had to grab him by the shoulders to keep him from falling. "Wow, some sandwich, huh?" Jack gasped as he rubbed his temples. He looked at the rest of the sandwich and dropped it into his pack. Now the Castle Crashers came to a village. Everything, the houses, trees and inhabitants had been covered by molten rock, turning everything to hard, glasslike obsidian. A village frozen in time by rock. Suddenly, a dark armoured figure with a skull helmet and demonic wings came flying into view. Angmar recognised the figure. "ZUL'RAKEESH!" he yelled. The Necromancer turned. "You should be ashamed of yourself, Angmar Deathreaver. Aiding these cowardly knights of King Richard! A traitor to our kind!" he spat, before raising a hand and calling forth a tide of evil magic to rain down upon the rock sculptures. "Ha! Ha! Farewell, knights! You will never get to the Master!"

The knights started after him, but where the Necromancer's magic had fallen, up rose an army of skeletons. They were armed with a variety of weapons, ranging from Golden Swords, Skeletor Maces and Black Morning Stars. They made no noise, only the dry rattling of bones. These were very hardy enemies, surviving a dozen heavy attacks before falling. However, Jack released an electrical surge, stunning all the skeletons, allowing the Castle Crashers to slip in some slashes and attacks before the Bone Legion recovered and resumed their attacks. The battle was very long and very hard, not to mention some defeats and then revivals with health potions, but at last all that remained was a huge heap of bones and weapons. Jack discarded his Sheathed Sword and picked up a Golden Sword. Moving on, the Castle Crashers came to a large rock mound. "A sort of hill…" James started to say, but suddenly, glowing orange eyes and mouth appeared on the side of the hill and its core came alive with the crackling of flaming lava. "No, volcano!" Joe finished and dropped an icicle inside. It vanished in a puff of steam. "Oh, come on!" Joe groaned as a fireball spewed out from the volcano and sent him flying. Angmar sent a stream of blood magic into the volcano, but it had no effect. No regular attack had any effect on the mound.

Suddenly, Meredith recalled Jack's sandwich. "Jack! The super sandwich!" she called, parrying a Fire Demon's trident at the same time. Jack retreated to a rock ledge and fished in his pack. Finding the sandwich, he took another huge bite. "! #$%^&*()!" he roared, super-sizing again. The beefy knight now lunged at the volcano and attacked it with his huge fists. The volcano started to squeal as if in agony, and it started to shake as the fists collided into it. At last, Jack made enough punches and kicks onto it to make its maw gape wide open. Seizing his chance, Jack plunged his hand into the lava, ignoring the searing heat of the lava. He reached in and pulled its core out. The volcano's eyes and mouth faded and it reverted back into a mound. Jack looked at the molten core and crushed it. The glittering ashes and flame dust twinkled away. Jack now reverted back into his regular form, and once again, Meredith had to steady her fellow knight. He picked up his Golden Sword, which had been dropped in the transformation. "Let's go."

Now, going through another wave of Fire Demons, the knights came to a tall mountain. "There!" Samuel pointed to a skipper's wheel inlaid and covered with pure gold. It was on a ledge, high up on the mountain. The mountainside passage was barred entrance and exit with a heavy steel door. "ROOOOOAAARRR!" A massive red dragon with wicked twisted horns and a dirty sock puppet lurched out from behind the mountain. His voice was thunder. "YOU WILL NEVER GET THE WHEEL! AND THUS, YOU WILL NEVER GET TO THE MASTER!" Saying so, he let loose a barrage of flame. James and Jock attempted to sneak behind him to the doorway, but the dragon's sock puppet immediately crushed them into the ground. "Lesson well learned." The veteran knight said, hauling himself out of the ground with his hammer. James rocketed out in a burst of flame. Caleb now remembered his bow, picked up a week ago in the barbarian war. He threw a poison globe at the rock beneath him, and up sprang a poison flame. He immersed one arrow in the fire and fired it. Straight and true it screamed towards the dragon's eye. The dragon roared in pain and its sock puppet slithered away. "Now!" Samuel said, attempting to bash down the door. However, the dragon had recovered and knocked him away. Samuel flew and landed hard on a nearby island. A Fire Demon was there, snarling. Samuel rolled out of the way of its blade and severed its head. To his surprise, another sandwich lay there. This time, it was pepperoni, salami and ham. Samuel took a large bite of the cold cuts sandwich and with a thunderous "! #$%!", super-sized and leaped onto the dragon's head.

Roaring, the super-sized Samuel smashed the dragon's head again and again with his large fists until it paused, winded. "Angmar!" Samuel yelled. "On it!" The Blood Knight said. "BOOOOOONESTOOOORRMM!" he yelled, unleashing a tidal wave of sharp bones and blood. The dragon howled as bones impaled it all over. "Now!" Angmar said, lifting James up and throwing him at the dragon. "YAAAAAHHHH!" James cried as his body became wreathed in mystical fire. He disappeared into the dragon's fang-filled maw. Then, the dragon started to howl as explosions began to rock it from inside. James squelched out in a swirl of flame, blood and his acquired Skeletor Mace. The dragon whimpered in defeat, then collapsed and woke no more. Everyone made their way up the passageway and gathered around the skipper's wheel. "Looks nice." James said as he lifted it and threaded it over his shoulder.

The Castle Crashers now gathered back at the Home Castle for a rest. Jock took off his helmet and set it aside at the Weapons Frog and started to repair everyone's weapons. He also started to craft better shields inlaid and laced with titanium. The seven knights went into the Weapons Frog and started to pick out new weapons acquired on the past week's rampage. Only Angmar decided not to trade the Maw for another weapon, saying, "There is no better weapon than the weapon with whom the soul of Netrezaar was bound." Jack traded his Golden Sword in favour of a Clunky Mace, James traded his Skeletor Mace for a Refined Mace. Joe took a Staff that he had acquired from the Church Store. Caleb found a Thick Sword lying somewhere. Samuel retained his Laser Blade, Meredith decided to take a Scissors that she had forged herself, and Jock upgraded his Hammer. The knights also took the new shields that Jock had crafted.

Fully refreshed and restored, the Castle Crashers marched out of the castle and headed for the evil Industrial Prince's castle…


	7. Flesh Is Stronger Than Metal

High up in the Industrial Prince's castle, the Industrial Prince Jaraxx, gave orders for his Industrialists and Fencers to make final checks on his Industrial Machine. It had three cannon arms, one shooting ice shards, one blasting searing flames, and the last one pumping out poison globes. It also had an oversized left arm to kick the knights onto either side of the machine, a deadly electrified flooring. The center had four electricity ball-shooting towers on each corner, and in the center, a laser trap. Prince Jaraxxus grinned. None would be able to stop him and the Master's grand plan to conquer the world would at last succeed. Suddenly, his grandiose thoughts were interrupted by a terrific hammering on his castle door.

The Castle Crashers had surrounded the castle door and were now trying to no avail to smash it down. Prince Jaraxx strode haughtily up to the castle window overlooking the gate. "Ha! Ha! Ha!" He shouted as he dragged the sobbing Orange Princess with him. "Yer ain't beefy enough tae break down this door!" Prince Jaraxx crowed. Suddenly, the blue-and-silver knight pulled a sandwich from his pack and chomped down on it. He roared something unintelligible as he super-sized and seized the metal door. Yelling, the knight ripped the door from its hinges and down-sized immediately. "Come! Forwards!" Joe shouted. The eight knights charged forwards. Prince Jaraxx grabbed the Orange Princess and retreated to his Industrial Machine.

"Hold!" Jock said, seeing something glinting in a bush. "What is it, Jock?" the knights groaned as Jock groped in the bush and pulled out a Utility Blade. Half of its blade was crafted from high-quality, ultra-hard and razor-sharp steel, and the lower half was made from hard, metal-reinforced plastic. The blade could retract back into its handle. "Useful." Jock said as he clipped it to his belt. Then, he joined his fellow knights in charging into the castle.

 **Chapter 6: Industrial Castle**

A platoon of Fencers marched in, fencer foils held high. "Protect the castle!" the lead Fencer cried, whipping Joe across the helmet with his foil. He was struck down instantly. "The trouble with your foils," Angmar said as he struck down one Fencer and siphoned his soul. "Is that they do not have an edge, only a point." To prove his point, the Blood Knight grabbed the Fencer's foil and rammed it through another Fencer. After a few bloody minutes, the Fencers lay dead, the only casualty of the Castle Crashers being one of Joe's teeth, knocked out by the Fencer's blow.

Now two platoons of Industrialists and Fencers marched in, accompanied by a beefy Brute. Beside the large green-armoured soldier floated a red Cardinal. These Industrialists were a little tougher, shooting buzzsaws from their gauntlets. In fact, it seemed that while the Fencers were human (spurting blood when killed), the Industrialists were fully mechanical in nature, making no sound apart from the electrical whirring from their servomotors and cognitive recognition devices. They attacked with deadly efficiency with their Ugly Maces. "I will prove that flesh and bone is stronger than steel and circuits!" Samuel shouted, melting one Industrialist into a puddle of molten steel, and slicing three in half with a laser bar.

"No souls to take this time." Angmar grumbled, tearing through the wires and motors like knives through water. "Aw, they can't dance." Meredith complained, throwing pink weasels to rip the Industrialists apart. Jock was silent as he fought, his well-seasoned hammer smashing through the mechanical parts. Jack was able to utilise his lightning well, as it overloaded the circuits of the robots. James was lucky too, as his fire melted down the Industrialists. Joe made the Industrialists dangerously brittle with ice-cold blasts, then shattered them. Only poor Caleb was not able to gain any advantage as poison could not kill machines, having to settle with good old-fashioned sword blows. At last, the Brute himself attacked, charging over the sparking, smouldering wrecks of the Industrialists. Angmar came forward to meet him. Ducking under a massive fist, Angmar used a bone dagger to slice open the Brute through a chink in his armour. The Brute roared and tried to grab Angmar. The Blood Knight ducked again, and finally, tiring of the fight, caved in the Brute's head in with The Maw. "Netrezaar is sated." Angmar stated as he drained the Brute's soul. The Cardinal flew back and forth between the knights, until it came to perch on Jock's shoulder.

Prince Jaraxx narrowed his eyes as he watched the knights force their way through two more platoons of Industrialists and Fencers. Then they carefully moved through a barrage of poison globes. A bridge over a pool of acid that was rigged with crushing hammers. Through a row of electrical fences. Finally, they came to an elevating platform that started to race upwards to the top tower of the castle. As the platform shot upwards, Fencers and the mechanical Industrialists leaped down onto it. They were thrown off instantly. On and on the platform went upwards until it came to a standstill. Angmar led the way as three waves of Fencers and Industrialists charged at them. The Castle Crashers, eager to defeat Prince Jaraxx and reclaim the Orange Princess with the Telescope, mowed the modern soldiers down as easily as reaping wheat in a field.

Finally, they came to a large square metal section of flooring, surrounded on all sides by silver grilled floor with red insides. Then, all of a sudden, the wall on the side of the floor disappeared to reveal a large window and two large glowing red mechanical eyes. Prince Jaraxx laughed as he activated his Industrial Machine and deployed the flamethrower arm. He crowed in cruel delight as the knights leaped back and forth to avoid the streams of flame. Then, Jaraxx deployed all four electrical pillars and started pumping electricity globes at the Castle Crashers. "Gah!" Caleb shouted as he narrowly deflected one globe. "There are too many!" Samuel shouted as he hurled three laser bars at one pillar. Jaraxx laughed and quickly retracted the four pillars. Now a central pillar rose through the floor. On its front was a dark green panel. Every second, a light green light bar appeared on it, stacking until it reached the top. "Jump!" Meredith cried. And not a moment too soon! As the eight knights leaped, a web of electricity flashed across the floor. "Curses!" Jaraxx screamed. At that precise moment, James sprang up on a pillar of fire and destroyed one of the electricity pillars. Jaraxx's eyes widened as the pillar exploded in flames. Now, he deployed the poison cannon and started a vicious onslaught on the Castle Crashers. Poison and electricity globes, the floor trap, and the oversized right arm to knock the knights to the electrified floor perimeter. Many times, the hapless Joe was knocked away or sent flying, but he always recovered.

Angmar now summoned a hail of sharp bones and sent them hurtling at the right arm. It was pierced all over, and it was destroyed. Jaraxx yelled in rage as he mashed down upon the controls, catching the Blood Knight in a crossfire of fire and ice. Angmar grinned. He leaped up high on a pillar of blood and threw The Maw at the weak arm of the fire cannon. The Maw came back to Angmar, and he sliced the poison cannon in half. Jaraxx was getting frantic now, but that didn't help as the Castle Crashers destroyed all his electrical pillars one by one and finally his electrical trap. Jaraxx roared in anger as he engaged his last cannon, the ice one. By now his Industrial machine was smoking and sputtering, the controls going haywire. Jack shielded himself from the ice shards, leaning into the blasts, letting his shield protect him. When Jaraxx paused to reload, the Lightning Knight sprang up and hacked the cannon arm off. "NOOO!" Jaraxx screamed as his machine started to explode. He dragged the Orange Princess with him as he fled the machine and the Evil Wizard flew by on his crystal. Jaraxx first tossed the Princess up, then tried to get on, but his master betrayed him. The Evil Wizard threw him off and flew away. Now Jaraxx backed up against the wall of the battlements, stuttering and stammering. "N-no! Don't—don't k-k-kill me!" Angmar wordlessly strode up and stabbed him through the chest, then siphoned his soul and threw the drained husk off the battlements.

Now Jock peered through the Golden Telescope and saw that far, far, away, Princess Elsa was looking out of the Ice Castle. Suddenly, the arm of the sinister Ice King pulled her away, and nothing could be seen. Jock picked up the Telescope and the victorious Castle Crashers trooped out of the Industrial Castle, leaving only burning metal in their wake.


	8. Reanimation

The Evil Wizard and Zul'Rakeesh flew fast and far across the world until they came to the late Cyclops, Terry's fortress. All that could be seen was a burning lava pit and a luxurious hearse. The necromancer shook his head in disappointment as he gestured at the pit and slammed three sharp bolts of evil magic into the lava. "They thought they got him, but alas, they are wrong." The Evil Wizard intoned as Zul'Rakeesh slammed three more bolts of magic into the hearse.

As the hearse opened and the Undead Terrance sat up in it, the Undead Terry scratched and crawled his way onto the bank. The Cyclops was changed. His eye was replaced by a globe of burning fire, and his armour was seared off in many places. Zul'Rakeesh solved that by fitting magical plates of black skeletal armour in the gaps. Undead Terrance lay back in his hearse as Undead Terry closed it gently and picked it up. His voice echoed like water dripping in an underground cavern. "What is thy bidding, O Master?" The Evil Wizard cackled softly. "Follow me and make haste!"

The three evil figures flew off into the distance…


	9. Dehydrating Deserts And Awkward Aliens

The Castle Crashers trooped back into the castle where King Richard was waiting. "Welcome back, knights!" he said, extending the Golden Compass. Jack nodded grimly, placing the three relics in a wooden chest. "We have all three. The ship can sail now." He closed the lid and gazed out of the window. "It's getting late." He turned to his fellow knights. "What say you all that we send the night and continue tomorrow?" "Well said, Jack." The knights said as they all headed off to the barracks.

The next morning foretold a day of death and destruction. It was storming at dawn, and cold winds were whipping the trees back and forth. Anyone who went out, even for a few seconds, was immediately soaked to the skin. "Damn this weather and double damn the Evil Wizard!" the usually cheerful Meredith snapped as the knights slogged down the now muddy paths. The usually dry, dusty dirt paths were now waterlogged and every step that a knight took would submerge their leg up to the ankle in thick, sticky black mud. Along the way they were accosted by Barbarians and Thieves, but what with the experience of fighting Fire Demons, Industrialists and Fencers, these foes were easy kills. Stepping over the bloody corpses, the Castle Crashers went past the fork in the path that led them to the Thieves' Forest and went straight to the Shipyard.

Chapter 7, Level 1: Dock

A depressed ship's captain was moping in a tavern with a mug of ale in his hand. He was moaning sadly about his ship being inactivated because of the missing ship instruments. "Worry not, captain. You can sail again." Joe said, showing the captain the three relics. The captain smiled. "Can it be? Praise the Lord!" he said excitedly, dropping his ale and leading the knights to a galleon. It was still well-maintained and the knights quickly reinstalled the relics. "Let's sail!" the captain said, blowing his horn. The ship slowly cast off.

Chapter 7, Level 2: Pirate Ship

The ship now picked up speed as its sails caught the strong winds. The waves picked up, and the mists cleared. They were sailing in a wide, open sea, and there were no other ships around. Meredith leaned against the railing and sighed. "Ah, how I do love the sea! All my haunts and memories, come back to me!" Suddenly, the lookout yelled, "Pirate ship to starboard!" "The Dark Hand! Prepare for combat!" Jack yelled, drawing his mace and straining his eyes to see the pirate schooner drawing up fast. It fired a few cannonballs that missed, then grappling hooks screamed from the ship and pulled them together. "Denka! Dare mo ikinokorenai!" One of the pirates screamed as he leaped aboard, unsheathed his sai and attacked Angmar.

The rest of the pirates leaped aboard with war cries and screams. These pirates were new, looking more like Oriental ninjas than pirates. These…ninjas, were fast and extremely agile, being able to duck and twist under the knight's attacks, but they wore no armour, and one or two slashes would fell them immediately. Joe froze three in their places and threw the iced blocks overboard. Jack sent out a shockwave of lightning, electrocuting six ninjas to death. "Karera wa watashitachi o gen ni modoshite kureru!" One of the ninjas shouted to his leader. "Īe! Sutando to tatakau!" The leader roared, hurling his sai and killing a sailor. "Your arrogance will be your undoing!" Samuel cried, splitting his skull in two with his blade. "Burazāzu! Kōtai suru!" The second-in-command shouted. "Leave none alive!" Angmar roared, as he slammed The Maw into the deck of the ship. Red magic flared up and bound all ninjas. "Katra zil shukil!" Angmar cried, and the ninjas were hurled overboard.

As soon as the bloody deck was cleared of the ninja corpses, the ninja ship began to sink. The ninjas clung helplessly to their schooner as it went beneath the waves.

"Land! Five hundred meters off our starboard bow!" The lookout cried, peering through the telescope. The Castle Crashers busied themselves with filling their packs from the ship's supplies and refilling their waterskins. Soon, the ship docked at the foot of the desert and a hot dry wind blew in. The knights stepped off the galley and into a new world…

Chapter 7, Level 3: Desert

As soon as the knights stepped off the ship, the captain waved good-bye. "Farewell, Castle Crashers, and God speed you on your way!" the ship slowly sailed off. The knights turned their attention to the hot sands and warm winds blowing in their faces, and bravely advanced forward. Samuel found a high-quality shovel sticking out of a pile of sand, and eagerly strapped it to his back. It would prove useful.

The first enemies came. They consisted of large red and brown scorpions that advanced forward in a line, blindly. Anything that came within half-meter

range was immediately struck in the abdomen with a razor-sharp sting and six drops of deadly toxin. However, owing to their blindness, they only attacked anything immediately in front of them. That was fortunate, as the knights easily walked around them without getting struck, and once behind the scorpions, immediately slaughtered them. Now the knights came to a large cone-shaped pit in the sand. "Watch out! This sand will pull you into the center of the pit—WAAHH!" Joe screamed as he was pulled into the center of the pit and a massive antlion sprang forth from under the sand. It had a red-and-white chequered napkin around its neck and held a knife and fork in two of its claws. It seized Joe with two free claws and brought the knight to its mouth. "Let him go!" James ordered, incinerating the predator with a blast of flame.

"Ahh! Thanks!" Joe gasped as he hauled himself out of the pit and chopped three passing scorpions into pieces. Thus, in this way, the Castle Crashers struggled across the burning sands, cutting down any antlions or scorpions that attacked. Now, a large group of dark-skinned muscular men swathed in desert robes attacked, wielding scimitars, falchions and daggers. "Saracens! I faced them before…" Jock murmured as he drove his Utility Blade into one's chest and his hammer into another's face. Meredith spun her Scissors gracefully and hurled it into the face of one Saracen, then crushed two more in swathes of rainbow chains. James crushed two using his signature spell, sandwiching between two pillars of flame. Caleb slammed his upturned palm, blazing with green fire, into the ground. Shockwaves of poison and chasms of toxin leaped up from the ground, killing three. Jack fired three waves of lightning at five, making their blood boil and burst out messily. Samuel raised both hands, summoning six blue laser bars to rise up. They eviscerated four Saracens. Joe encased both fists in ice and slammed them into the ground, and spikes and shards of ice shot up from the ground, impaling seven Saracens. Angmar roared and spun around six times in a whirlwind of strikes, cutting down eight Saracens and knocking five into five antlion pits. With no distinction between who was good or evil, the subterranean predators had a feast.

Now the Castle Crashers came across a large ruined city, with dusting limestone blocks everywhere. It was very quiet, with no scorpions, antlions or Saracens around. Too quiet…Joe thought as he noticed a large number of strange runes carved on a block of stone. "Hey guys, what do these signs mean?" Samuel knelt and read the runes. "I have seen these before in my travels around the world. This is a very old and primitive form of the language used by…otherworldly…organisms—wait, otherworldly?!" No sooner than the words had left his lips did a huge metal spaceship scream across the desert sky and commence dropping high-explosive bombs on the Castle Crashers. "Alien Hominids! Now I understand…" Jack said as he raised his hand to the sky, calling down a stream of lightning to pour onto the ship. It was unaffected though, and swooping away it picked up a massive limestone slab and dropped it on the knights. Everyone except Caleb and Meredith managed to jump away, and the two knights were stuck in the sand. They clawed their way out and to their surprise, Samuel's animal orb Rammy started to headbutt the machine, causing it to spark. "Hit the foul machine with weapon blows!" Angmar roared as he hurled The Maw. It spun in a clean arc, screaming a high-pitched shrilling as it went. The axe cut deep into the craft's engine hub and before long, the craft was careening and spinning out of control until it crashed into a limestone wall and exploded.

The battered knights picked themselves up and pressed on, accosted by another of the alien ships. This time, it dropped alien creatures, yellow and with segmented yellow body armour. They carried long stick-like guns and had huge, inhuman eyes, a zigzag line mouth and two absurd-looking antennae. These must have been the Alien Hominids that Jack had been talking about… They made a curious chittering noise as they opened fire. The knights quickly took one knee as one and held their shields in front of them. Jock's effort in making the shields was not in vain. The energy balls harmlessly sizzled off the shields. As the Hominids struggled to reload, Jack pulled out his boomerang. Earlier in the castle, he had upgraded it and lined the edges with razor-sharp metal coatings. Now he skilfully hurled it, and it leaped from his hand, spinning straight and true in a wide arc. The Hominids shrieked as the sharp spinning object slashed across their necks. They collapsed, bright luminous green blood splashing onto the sands, where the thirsty ground immediately absorbed it. Jack turned to see Jock poking at the flaming remains of the second spacecraft. His friends had done their work well. "Onwards!" he said. However, before anyone could move hardly three paces, a massive, gargantuan alien spacecraft skimmed over the sands, and before anyone could do anything, beamed them up into its bowels.

 **Chapter 7, Level 4: Alien Ship**

Caleb awoke to the sound of alien chittering. His eyes sprang open and he swiftly took in his surroundings. He was strapped to a long metal table and there were several Hominids fiddling with strange metal tools. The small chamber looked very futuristic, blinking green lights and mechanical whirring. Caleb felt like he was again inside the wrecked Industrial Castle. Apparently the clamps that held him were of top-notch, high-quality alien steel that was very strong. Caleb also noted with a twinge of irritation that he was clad only in his tunic, pants, ultralight chain mail suit and socks, his armour and weapons being closely examined by the Hominids who were chittering excitedly. Fortunately, the Hominids had their backs to him. Thinking quickly, Caleb lit a tiny spark of green poison in his hands, starting to dissolve the metal. An inaudible hissing started to come from the metal clamps. The Hominids were still too engrossed in their discussion over Earth armour to hear Caleb slip off the ruined clamps and slide off the table. Caleb then slammed both palms into the deck, causing a cloud of green poison to flow out. The Hominids screeched as they slowly began to dissolve, their armour useless against the noxious green vapour. Once nothing but their alien bones remained, Caleb slowly and methodically retrieved his gear, swiftly buckled on his armour and took his sword. As he placed his helmet over his head and secured the seals that connected it to his gorget, he looked up, green fire burning in his eyes. He would help his friends escape, and kill all these damned aliens.

Meanwhile, the other seven knights were breaking free by hook or by crook out of their examination cells. Thus, Caleb was pleasantly surprised to meet up with his friends in the galley. "Well, my friends. Let's get out of this craft!" The eight knights advanced through the massive ship, killing all the Hominids that passed. Before long, they entered the command room, where three Hominids wearing ornate armour and sporting black and yellow peaked caps were working the flight instruments. These must be the Hominid captains, and they each had a huge hand cannon strapped to their backs, replacing the usual stick guns. As the knights stepped into the command room, the captains looked up as one. The middle one mashed down on a big red button and alarms and klaxons began to sound, wailing throughout the entire ship. Instantly, what seemed like the entire ship's crew poured as one into the command room, the air filled with the high-pitched wailing and chittering of the Hominids. As the Castle Crashers stood now back to back in a rough circle, cleaving down all the Hominids who rushed at them, the Hominid captains unslung their hand cannons and loosed bolts of laserfire into the crowd. Fortunately, their aim was off and they ended up frying their fellow aliens rather than the knights.

"Netrezaar take you all!" Angmar roared, smiting left, right and center, cleaving down the shrieking Hominids. And with each slash, The Maw seemed to glow even redder and a laughing sound started to emanate faintly from it. Soon, it was glowing as brightly as the sun, and all that could be seen was Angmar's faint muscular form, outshone by his weapon. Samuel hummed a cheerful tune as he moved his hands like a conductor. His conductor wand was his blade and the instruments the laser bars flashing in the air and cutting down Hominids. When the aliens got too close, he cut them down with his blade. Jock used his hammer like a boomerang, spinning it through the air to crush the skulls of the Hominids. Meredith laughed, a clear high sound amidst the sounds of war. She stood in one place and casually motioned with her hand, rainbow chains flying and striking everywhere. Caleb was going berserk with his poison globes, hurling them everywhere. When a Hominid got hit, the poison ate through their armour and body, and the alien collapsed with a gaping smoking hole in its body. His sword, wreathed in poison, also was like a beacon in the dark, shining with blood and poison. James had seemed to become an avatar of fire, his body completely blazing with it. With one sweep of his arm he laid six Hominids on the deck burning. He punched straight through one Hominid captain's chest, laying him low. Scooping up the hand cannon, James finger found the trigger and he sprayed the Hominids with laserfire. When the ammunition ran dry he set the gun on fire and hurled it spinning into another Hominid captain.

Jack smote left and right with his Clunky Mace, caving in the heads of the Hominids with wet splattering sounds. Soon, all the knights' armour and helmets were sprayed with bright luminous green blood. Joe ran at the last captain and froze his head in place. Joe took the struggling alien and smashed it into the ground, shattering the iced head. As their last captain fell, the Hominids lost hope and were all killed. The knights stopped to catch their breath. The command room, though huge, was carpeted thickly with broken yellow armour, yellow alien corpses and bright green blood. Now the victorious Castle Crashers advanced onwards, but they had walked scarcely fifteen meters when they saw a huge beefy Hominid. Unlike the others, he wore no armour, only a white singlet and black shorts. He was lifting a weight, but dropped it at the sight of the knights. He got up, dodged past their blows and got to the command room. Smashing a red failsafe, he pressed a large blue button engraved with a skull and rocketed away from the ship in an eject chair.

At once, the ship began to shake and shudder. James looked at the screen on the wall. "59 seconds to self-destruction." "RUN!" he yelled and the knights started to sprint as fast as they could through the ship. Along the way laser bars flashed down to block them but they broke through with the help of their shields. On and on they rushed through the rapidly failing ship, hysterical Hominid survivors rushing panic-stricken around. "36 seconds to self-destruction." The computer chirped. Now the knights came to a large expanse of metal flooring covered with a pattern of nozzles. They shot out boiling black steam, burning all who came into contact with them. "24 seconds to self-destruction." Angmar roared and drove The Maw into the control panel that controlled the nozzles. The nozzles sputtered and failed. "Forwards!" Angmar yelled, and the knights dashed onwards. "18 seconds to self-destruction." The knights now saw a bay of escape pods. "INTO THE PODS!" Jock yelled. "10 seconds to self-destruction." The knights frantically ran for the pods. "5 seconds to self-destruction." The knights all strapped in and no sooner than they had settled in, the pods blasted off just as the computer made a high-pitched wailing and the ship disappeared in a fiery flash.

Chapter 7, Level 5: Desert Chase

The escape pods thudded into the sand. Behind the safe knights, the wrecked alien ship crashed into the sand, bringing up a storm of dust and sand. Jack, James, Joe, Caleb, Jock, Meredith, Samuel and Angmar looked around. Evidently, the ship had still been travelling across the desert when it was destroyed. They had travelled, or so Samuel estimated, about thirty kilometers, which was strange. Wouldn't the alien ship have left Earth? With no time for puzzling, the knights marched forwards, startling a lone Saracen who was letting his camel drink from his helmet. "Grrr…." He muttered, leaping astride his mount and galloping away. "Oh, leave him. He is not worth it—" Meredith started to say this before Caleb unslung his bow, fitted an arrow to the string at let fly. Down along the wind it shrieked before it took the Saracen in the back of the neck and felled him. His camel, suddenly riderless, careened away. "One unnecessary death." Angmar noted as he drained the Saracen's soul into The Maw.

The knights now found camels waiting in a convenient desertside stable. "Ride up, let's go!" Meredith cried, springing astride one. The knights quickly mounted and started to ride across the sands. Along the way, they were attacked by Saracens. These Saracens had bows with them, and Joe was knocked off his camel. It was quickly stolen by the smallest Saracen who proceeded to knock Samuel and Caleb off. "Dare you?!" James asked menacingly, torching the Saracen to a crispy mess but leaving the camel all but singed. Jock hurled his hammer, shattering four Saracen heads. The rest of the Saracens continued to fire their bows. Then, one came up with a rapid-firing crossbow. He opened fire on the one with the whispering axe. Angmar brought up his shield and leaned into the arrows, grumbling at the impact of the arrows on his shield. He advanced forwards and when he was close enough, threw down his shield, swept out The Maw and killed the Saracen. The rest of the Castle Crashers had taken care of the rest. Jack wiped blood off his mace. It had been an interesting fight. The Castle Crashers remounted and rode off.

Chapter 7, Level 6: Sand Castle Interior

Now the Castle Crashers came to a large fortress made entirely of sand blocks. There were several Saracens standing guard outside, and they were dispatched easily. The entire fortress consisted of just one huge room that was packed with Saracens, Royal Guards, and beefy variants of those. The desert soldiers all turned their heads at the sight of the intruders. The leader stood up, drew his falchion and screamed, "CHARGE!" The Saracens surged forwards in one mass, the Royal Guards stayed back near the exit and the beefy ones hovered at the back, ready to enter the fray at the last moment. Jack stood at the front of the group, set his shield's sharp tip in the ground, drew his mace and pointed it forward. "FIGHT TO THE DEATH!"

It was a mass slaughter, with Saracens yelling and screaming, the Castle Crashers shouting and holding their ground, the Royal Guards hanging back but alert, and the beefy ones roaring lustily as they swung with their massive fists. Joe was hit once but quickly recovered, freezing his assailant. Angmar suddenly realised that if an area of effect was not unleashed, the Castle Crashers might be overrun. On this note, he slammed The Maw into the sandy floor. Red energy and crystal shards tore up from the ground, spearing not a few Saracens. Samuel now pressed the advantage, summoning a huge wall of laser energy and hurling it forward to sear some three dozen. Jack felt the power of the lightning welling up inside him, and so he raised one hand to the sky, calling down a huge number of lightning bolts to strike the Saracens. James stood tall like a great redwood tree, both palms extended like flamethrowers, torching anyone who drew near. Joe was perched on high beam, hurling down great numbers of ice shards, eviscerating and impaling Saracens and some beefy ones too. Meredith danced and pranced around the room, rainbow chains and pink weasels shooting out from her glowing hands. Saracens and Royal Guards who touched them instantly exploded. Jock looked to Jack, who was wreathed in lightning. "Jack!" He yelled, raising his hammer to the sky. "On it!" Jack replied, hurling down a huge lightning bolt from the sky through the roof. The hammer absorbed all the searing energy, then Jock hurled it. It spun around the battlefield, propelled by the lightning, smashing and electrocuting Saracen heads. Caleb levitated above the battlefield, raining down poison globes and toxic gas clouds. Saracens screamed as acid ate through their bodies and poison disintegrated their limbs.

At long last, the Saracens lay dead and the Royal Guards had retreated to the inner sanctum. The knights took a few moments to catch their breath, then hurried to the inner sanctum, the roof of the Sand Castle…

Chapter 7, Level 7: Sand Castle Roof

The Castle Crashers proceeded warily along the roof. Then, they came to a large volleyball court. Four Saracens and a beefy one awaited them. A Royal Guard stepped forwards, speaking in the Common Tongue. "By order of our Royal Majesty Emperor Abdul, you intruders are to play a game of volleyball with him and his four subjects. You may choose five of your best. The first to ten wins. If you win, you will get a map and permission to proceed with Emperor Abdul's blessing. If Emperor Abdul wins, you will be executed for killing so many of our brethren. There will be no time to react. Every sand block here has a poison dart gun inside, which will kill you in five seconds. May the best player win." The Royal Guard stepped aside and conferred for a moment with the Emperor, who was dressed in ornate armour and carrying a volleyball. Jack, Joe, Caleb, Samuel and Meredith were chosen to play. A whistle blew, and the match began.

Ten goals later, and the victorious Castle Crashers graciously shook hands with their enemies. Emperor Abdul bowed. "By the Great God Khan, none had beaten us before at volleyball. I bless you knights with this map." He motioned, and one of his Royal Guards came forth bearing a map, giving it to Jack. "Proceed." The Castle Crashers proceeded out of the Sand Castle, eventually finding a rough rock track, and following it into the next sector.


End file.
